The audacity of these grooms
Our very first Commitment Ceremony.
There were some balls being whipped out in front of the experts tonight, wasn’t there? Let’s get right into it.
Who left MAFS?
Lauren and Eliot: Nada. Gone. Non-existent. Farewell!
Tim and Katie: Tim showed up at the last minute (nice one, production) to say that Katie was too busy checking her emails to get to know him.
Sadly for Tim and the several seasons of douches that came before him, John Aiken informs our former emo that he’s a gaslighter. They both write Leave and I’m fine seeing the back of him — yes, because he’s a big meany but also because I hate how he dresses. Sue me!
Who’s staying?
Jamie and Dave: They’re having sex and able to be themselves together. Love!
Rhi and Jeff: They’ve kissed! But no fucking because they penetrated last time and it messed things up.
Carina and Paul: They’re on “cloud nine” even though they had the chance to be on cloud nine eight months ago without cameras.
Adrian and Awhina: Adrian has done a 180 and now realises that if he loves Awhina, her having a child will not be an issue. This only makes me trust him less.
Sierah and Billy: They’re opening up and Sierah thinks he’s hot, I guess? Nothing major to report on.
Tony and Morena: I don’t know what the fuck’s going on here, but I can tell you one thing: they’re both hating life. Step number one? Practising the pronunciation of Morena’s name until it’s PERFECT.
Jacqui and Ryan: Wow, Ryan: Warrior Princess actually has the guts to question the experts’ choice. To their faces.
He can’t understand why they paired him and Jacqui together, even though they are able to bond over “crypto” and current affairs — something that is absolutely not on my relationship’s bonding chart.
Sadly, they have fundamental issues over the air conditioning temperature and Jacqui’s tendency to laugh when Ryan speaks.
Jake and Ashleigh: Jake had the audacity to write “Leave” after giving unsolicited commentary on every woman during the photo ranking challenge. If I had said what he did (I wouldn’t), I’d leave out of sheer embarrassment too.
If he can say things that fucked within Week 2, imagine if he stayed until Week 8. Anyway, fuck it was awkward to watch as the women found out what he said about them. Painful, even.
The good news? Fucc week starts tomorrow, and that is my FAVOURITE week because I belong in horny jail.
Have you told your mates to sign up to the newsletter yet? I would love that.
Thank you bye x