THE BRIDE'S SISTER makes me thankful for my own
Inappropriate thoughts on MAFS Season 12, Episode 1.
You won’t get your regular recaps this year (they take too bloody long), but I will relive the bits worth reliving. Summarise the parts that need summarising. For MAFS Season 12, Episode 1, that means focusing on the first two weddings and BRIDE’S SISTER. I’ll also do a little rundown of my favourite parts.
Strap in.
Couple 1: Paul and Carina are too hot for me to care
Paul was on a show called The Real Love Boat and it was the big, bad deck no one asked for. He’s French and we’re reminded of this 127 times throughout the episode.
We’re reminded the same amount of times that this is the most interesting thing about him. Even though John Aiken is really into whatever he is putting down.
Carina is hot and Italian and has a big, mostly loved-up family. A savage solo photo of her amongst couples reminds her of this, like some kind of evil anti-vision board.
It also reminds us all that a colour analysis is a worthy investment.
Everyone decides that Paul and Carina are equally hot upon meeting at the altar and, therefore, a good match. But I say “meeting” loosely.
Unbelievably, it turns out the pair had been on a hiking date before their wedding and, even more unbelievably, it wasn’t on the Bondi to Bronte. They are both from Western Australia, a boot camp destination for reality TV and, apparently, up-and-coming actors. How the fuck did they keep a straight face for the ceremony?
The whole thing was almost as convincing as when Carina told us her dress was inspired by her mum and not Jamie Sullivan in A Walk To Remember.
Carina is all “fuck this I want someone else” because Paul ghosted her — yes, even though she is that hot. Paul is all “omg a second chance” because he is now televised and needs to fool Australia into thinking he’s a Disney Prince. Or at least a Gaston.
Paul reckons wasn’t ready to be in a relationship eight months ago, as if eight months is a lifetime. Doesn’t the MAFS application process take a fucking hot minute? Also, he clearly doesn’t need a dating show if he’s scoring dates with someone like Carina IRL. I don’t trust the bloke. If he can pretend he’s seeing someone for the first time, he can pretend he’s ready for commitment.
Couple 2: Eliot will ruin Lauren’s life
Lauren is a modern-day Betty Crocker who would prefer to live in a time where saying “pussies” is fine and scrubbing a fiddle leaf is a normal thing to do.
Eliot (with one ‘t’ and one ‘l’) thinks caring too much about your partner is icky, hates “trashy” women, and hopes for an apron-wearing woman to come home to. I hate him.
He threatens to Houdini on the wedding day if he’s not satisfied. He does not mention whether or not he’ll ensure his wife is also satisfied before concluding business. This says everything we need to know about him.
All is well when Eliot decides Lauren’s headband is “adorable” upon meeting her on their wedding day. All is not well when he realises who “THE BRIDE’S SISTER” is.
THE BRIDE’S SISTER
“THE BRIDE’S SISTER” AKA Tammy is a wild child but not the type I would like to adopt.
Lauren describes her as “unhinged” and honestly, I cannot believe they share blood. Listen.
During wedding prep, Tammy told Lauren that she’s the “skinnier” one, a clue that she was raised in the 90s and also that she is likely a conniving asshole.
THE BRIDE’S SISTER then deemed the entire wedding an “abortion”, a term typically reserved for terminating a birth, after she was not given a pescetarian meal to eat.
She also called Lauren “frigid”, an insult that typically comes out of the mouth of a 12-year-old for not making Eliot uncomfortable in the way she did Jordy.
I’ve never been more thankful for my own sisters, who I would lightly drown if they cockblocked my chance with someone as hot as Eliot.
To be clear, Lauren does not yet know that Eliot’s a bit fucked, so at this stage THE BRIDE’S SISTER is just torpedoing Lauren’s opportunity to be with a stable hairline.
Best moments from MAFS Season 12, Episode 1:
The producers using a TikTok supercut to remind us how big MAFS is.
Carina saying “Hi daddy” and then the viewer (me) finding out she’s talking to her father, not Paul.
Carina’s Aunty asking Paul is he’s a good boy even though he is a human and not a dog.
How terrified Eliot’s groomsman Jordy was of Tammy.
Tammy belittling her sister only to refer to herself as her sister to get what she wants.
That Jamie girl in the robot coat at The Hen’s. Someone to watch.
Thank you bye x
As true as a Charlotte Dobre vid. Nothing but love and encouragement ❤️